Registered On: April 2, 2014
Bucksiron wrote about Gurney:
“You yourself would appear to have strong Spanish connections and I’m pretty sure Ferrite lives in Italy.”
Could it be true??? Are there many foreigners on Bru? Are all remainers foreign??? Read on to find out….
It’s New Year’s Eve and BI is having a quiet evening of solitary confinement, sat by the fireside with his laptop, playing the festive new game of “Who’s Who on the Bru???”
“Let’s see, there are so many foreigners on Bru and that must be why they support EU membership. ‘Ferrite’ is obviously Italian. Maybe his name is pronounced Feh-ree-tay. Now, what does it mean in eyetie?”
He goes on Google translation, and ends up with gibberish.
“But Gurney is definitely Spanish, he’s written things in Spanish and even his name has a Spanish ending. He must have connections there!” But, I reckon he speaks Old English too…. I mean, he posted that ‘Comin Over Here’ song… hmmmmm.
Desperate to identify the mystery man, BI checks Facebook for ‘Gurneys/Gurnells/Gurns’ with Old English connections. Alas, he draws a blank, and gurns in frustration.
He presses on, eyes glued to the screen, his brow furrowed in concentration, ticking off names as he goes through the Bru membership.
“And then there’s Alcazar. Perhaps he’s Gurney’s doppelgänger, who just pretends he’s a daft Spanish Tory to sow confusion among Bru-ers.”
“And DutchIron… where could he be from? Dutch is like Deutsch, so he’s obviously German and a Merkel-lover. Same with Heath, got to be a Tory, but he’s just trying to confuse the opposition with his name.”
“And all the Jonnies with their pro-Farage disinformation and propaganda – obviously some kind of fascist would-be super-Brits. Very un-British. So, maybe they’re Spanish? Lesgeo sounds Latin, and he speaks the language of Cervantes to Gurn, so they could all be Spanish Catholics. Plus, Les has Jewish sympathies… Hmmmmm, tricky. And, there’s the quiet one, the one who’s not-on-tour?”
He shakes his head in confusion and furiously hammers down on the keyboard in search of more names.
“Now, Lord Kitchener. The original Lord K was an Irishman, so this one wouldn’t be British, and then there’s J. Charles – who was a black footballer for Leeds! They can’t fool me”, he thinks to himself, grinning smugly.
Next, he spots the name of NorthumbIron. “Connections with Northumbria?” thinks BI. “No, I’ve got it…. he’s, he’s Italian, and he lives…. North Of Umbria!! Probably a Florentine or a Sammarinese!! Hahah, that’s another one I’ve sussed out – they don’t fool me!!”
“So, they’re all foreign.” he mutters. “And that’s why so many are pro-EU!”
The clock begins to strike midnight as another empty bottle rolls onto the floor, and the sad, lonely figure takes down the calendar and strikes through another cheerless year. He reaches for a heavily discounted mini-bottle of Bucks Fizz (what else!), drunkenly spilling the contents over his lap as he unscrews the cap.
“But least I’m out of the Evil Empire now” he thinks. “It’s fab-tastic!! We wanted fewer black and brown people, so we left the EU! Smart! And now there’ll be more forms to fill, more hassle for business, it’ll be harder to export, many good companies will go under, there’ll be more unemployment, more customs officers, and it’ll be harder to travel, study and holiday! Plus, we’ll not only have thousands of people in intensive care in January, we’ll have the economy there too! Best deal in history! Vote Tory, get a recession and now a pandemic! Those remainers were wrong all along – and here’s the proof.”
He opens the link, and toasts the screen with a glass of the warm, sickly liquid, as the shrewd intelligence of the callers’ voices lull him into the stupefied comfort of another new year….