Registered On: August 5, 2017
Interview process for Dido:
1. Do you vote Tory? 10 points
2. Do you regularly sleep with a Tory MP? 10 points.
3. Can you confirm that you have no qualifications in Public Health? 10 points.
4. Can you bear to be in the same room as Matt Hancock and his smelly pink tie for more than 5 minutes? 10 points.
5. Can you confirm that you have been a failure in all your previous senior jobs? 10 points
6. As a follow up, can you provide an assurance that you will use all your ability to be equally bad at this job? 10 points.
7. Will you do or say everything we tell you to do? 10 points
8. Will you be able to defend every single lie you under extremely soft interrogation from the BBC? Being interviewed by Channel 4, Emily Maitlis, slaphead Andrew Neil and that nutter Piers Morgan will not be a requirement of the job. 10 points
9. You do realise that it will all be your fault and will therefore not interrupt any of Boris’s weekends or holiday entitlement of 200 days with any piffle, swaffle or flim-flam nonsense about commoners dying? 10 points
10. You will declare that there are no risk to humans and any problems with animal welfare associated with the bulk importation of chlorinated chickens? 10 points
11. Do you think Boris is sexy, funny and an inspiration to all career minded people who will tell any lie to advance their careers? 10 points
12. Do you promise to laugh at the plebs whenever the phrase levelling up is used in Cabinet meetings? 10 points
A score of 120, upgraded to a maximum AAAA* of 1000 by the Cabinet dunce Williamson’s top totty and privileged people only algorithm. Cancel all other interviews with the cast of Holby City, that chap Rylan who gets every job on the telly, and Doctor Legg from Eastenders. Jim Davidson will have to accept the Border Control job.