Email from the Scunthorpe Tourist Board to Graham Alexander

Graham Alexander
Graham Alexander

This is an email from the Scunthorpe Tourist Board sent to Graham Alexander and intercepted by Jim Coulson.

Dear Mr. Alexander,

Good day, I am Bernard Crumble from the Scunthorpe Tourist Board and I would like to complain in the strongest possible terms about your reckless actions that we feel are directly affecting the number return visits tourists make to our town.

It is our job to encourage people to book to return to Scunthorpe following a relaxing and enjoyable stay and yet recently I have been receiving messages like this one from from a Mr S Nelson of Gillingham in Kent:

“I had a nightmare stay in Scunthorpe and spent the afternoon suffering waves of attacks. I lost count of the amount of times I was shot at and me and my friends might not be returning next year.”

I have heard of a visiting group of youths from the north east returning home empty handed and had to endure a phone call from a very irate Mr Brown from Southend who, despite complimenting the town’s premier tanning salons, described his long journey to Scunthorpe as “fruitless”, although that might partially be based on the outmoded stereotypes those from south of the Watford Gap have about northerners.

Scunthorpe has been called a “difficult place to visit” and “a fortress”, which is not the kind of message we want to put across. Please Mr Alexander, can’t you see that winning seven home games from seven, whilst scoring 22 and conceding just 2 goals is downright unfair on those of us trying to portray this little corner of North Lincolnshire as welcoming and generous.

The way things are going, it’s looking like we might have to leave behind our current list of expected visitors and invite parties from places like Ipswich, Brighton and Reading next year.

Mr Alexander, think of those of us trying to market Scunthorpe. We’re having to resort to commissioning promotional videos like this:

I beg you, Mr. Alexander. At least let Charlton have a corner or something.


Bernard Crumble,

Scunthorpe Tourist Board

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Written by Matt Blanchard

Part of the team since 2007, before becoming editor in 2013. Undertaken the role of match summariser during Scunthorpe United live match commentaries for BBC Radio Humberside. Seasonal contributor to football titles FourFourTwo and When Saturday Comes and a finalist at the Football Blogging Awards in 2014.

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